Since Samantha's accident, I've received lots of advice; some good and some not so good, but always given kindly and with love. Having never experienced anything as painful as nearly losing my child to a car accident and never feeling such intense fear of what the future held, I made sure I was open to any and all suggestions on how to help her medically, as well as how to cope with the tragedy.
One bit of advice came in those first few weeks. You must understand that “you lost Samantha in that car accident and allow yourself to grieve this loss”, this seasoned hospital administrator explained. “Write it down, carry it with you and remind yourself of this reality from time to time. She will never be the same again.” She tried to assure me and ease the sting of those biting words by saying , “When Samantha does wake up, you will grow in love with the new girl that she is going to become.” I disregarded this piece of advice immediately, as it only made me feel nauseous to even think about that possibility. Letting go of the beautiful 16 year old girl I was so close with and falling in love with her replacement? Impossible.
Samantha is the fourth member of our family to look to me as “the mom”, but the first that I gave birth to. She was a true gift from God, delivered from heaven on my 28th birthday! I was not only in love with this little bundle of joy, but the whole experience of pregnancy and family life. I especially cherished this experience as I knew that I’d only give birth to one child in my lifetime, but was graced with the honor of being mom to four. I was perfectly content with that. In fact, I was curious at times what it felt like to give birth to another child- Could I even love a second child as much as I did my first?
Intellectually, I knew the obvious answer. Of course a mom can love multiple children equally without diminishing her love for each individually; moms do it all the time. But to me it still felt like I would be betraying Samantha, my one and only. I never dwelled on it; it was just a fleeting thought every now and then, a quick moment of curiosity. Could I possibly love another child as much as I do Samantha? Isn't that like cheating on your first one? The love I have for all four of my children is different, naturally. They all came to me in different ways. So I never had to figure it out for myself. It could be left one of life’s questions that I would never really totally get.
Sixteen years and four months later, I was being forced to walk myself through that same question I once so easily shrugged off. I had reached a point that the social workers advice had to be considered. She explained that this is how many people had managed to cope in similar situations. Allow yourself to grieve the loss, embrace the new; still sickening to open my mind to that concept.
- Diana Palumbo
One bit of advice came in those first few weeks. You must understand that “you lost Samantha in that car accident and allow yourself to grieve this loss”, this seasoned hospital administrator explained. “Write it down, carry it with you and remind yourself of this reality from time to time. She will never be the same again.” She tried to assure me and ease the sting of those biting words by saying , “When Samantha does wake up, you will grow in love with the new girl that she is going to become.” I disregarded this piece of advice immediately, as it only made me feel nauseous to even think about that possibility. Letting go of the beautiful 16 year old girl I was so close with and falling in love with her replacement? Impossible.
Samantha is the fourth member of our family to look to me as “the mom”, but the first that I gave birth to. She was a true gift from God, delivered from heaven on my 28th birthday! I was not only in love with this little bundle of joy, but the whole experience of pregnancy and family life. I especially cherished this experience as I knew that I’d only give birth to one child in my lifetime, but was graced with the honor of being mom to four. I was perfectly content with that. In fact, I was curious at times what it felt like to give birth to another child- Could I even love a second child as much as I did my first?
Intellectually, I knew the obvious answer. Of course a mom can love multiple children equally without diminishing her love for each individually; moms do it all the time. But to me it still felt like I would be betraying Samantha, my one and only. I never dwelled on it; it was just a fleeting thought every now and then, a quick moment of curiosity. Could I possibly love another child as much as I do Samantha? Isn't that like cheating on your first one? The love I have for all four of my children is different, naturally. They all came to me in different ways. So I never had to figure it out for myself. It could be left one of life’s questions that I would never really totally get.
Sixteen years and four months later, I was being forced to walk myself through that same question I once so easily shrugged off. I had reached a point that the social workers advice had to be considered. She explained that this is how many people had managed to cope in similar situations. Allow yourself to grieve the loss, embrace the new; still sickening to open my mind to that concept.
- Diana Palumbo